( from another person’s point of view)
Nothing feels the same anymore. Everyday, I waking up thinking that I should just wait till tomorrow, as if things will be different by then. Things that I used to enjoy have turned into a chore and I feel tired constantly. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing, it’s like I’ve lost the guide book to life and all I have are meaningless bits and pieces. Nobody sees the real me, I can put on an act, one minute I’m crying in my bathroom and the next I’m laughing downstairs in the kitchen. I used to be such a social butterfly, but I don’t want to pick up the phone anymore, I don’t want to talk at all, I just want to be alone.
But being alone is what makes me sad too, I feel like I’m always the one to text first, always the one to initiate a conversation and start the plans. My friends probably don’t think about it that way or see what I see, but all I see are one-sided friendships where I am not really valued. I’ve realised that something has changed, I didn’t used to get so nervous. I didn’t used to feel so anxious walking around alone. I didn’t used to have to practice exactly what I’m going to say before getting lunch or asking a question in class. Sometimes I feel like everybody is watching, all eyes are on me, my eyes start to tear up and I get too hot ,but I pretend like it’s okay.
I get bombarded with double standards as when I dress more casually I don’t look like I’m making an effort, but when I dress up, I get judged and I feel out of place. I feel out of place anyway though. I see all these people on social media, perfection in each and every person but me. They have things I don’t have, and that is all I see when I look in the mirror, what I don’t have. I don’t want to go down the wrong road. I have heard all sorts of things about what can happen to you, how your future can be altered and how difficult recovery is. But I’m in constant denial that what I think and my relationship with my body and my food intake, is normal.
Other things are getting worse too, I can’t do something without counting to a certain number or, making sure something , “feels right,” before moving on. But no one believes that, because all my struggles are seen as attention seeking and fake. Even though my struggles are so much more than lining up pencils and keeping things tidy. I’m still criticised for everything, everything that I cannot help.
Whenever I go out in public ,my head is flooded with overwhelming thoughts, they make me want to shout. And if I hear a noise, a baby cry, a dog bark, I can’t control what I do next. No one else thinks like me, no one else knows that those sounds that everyone else is so accustomed to sound like a siren to me, trigger some sort of fight or flight mechanism. I still can’t cope leaving the house without a headset, sometimes I still wear one inside, just incase. I can see everything I’ve altered for those around me, the permanent images in their heads of my actions spiralling out of control. I feel so guilty for the damage I’ve created, so I keep my headset on to avoid damage, to avoid anything more that is out of my control.
Who am I?
I ( not me specifically) am one of millions of adults, teenagers and even kids across the world, struggling with mental health issues. Whether it is the things I have tried to portray above (depression, anxiety, OCD, self- esteem issues, ED and autism) , or anything else. You really never know what is going on in someone’s head or even their life. Everyone’s problems are valid. Feel free to share any of your own experiences in the comments.